How Rorschach Stole Christmas

Every whore
Down in New York
Liked Christmas a lot...

But Rorschach,
Who lived in a rundown apartment,
Did NOT!

Rorschach hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his fedora wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his trench was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his trench,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, emitting a stench,
Staring down from his window with a sour, blotted frown
At the coked out pimp with drug deal going down.
For he knew every New Yorker in the city below
Would shout to him, "Save us!"
And he'd whisper "No."

'And they're peddling their child pornography!' he ronched with a sneer.
'Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!'
Then he growled, with his gloved fingers nervously drumming,
'I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!'
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the filthy girls and boys
Would wake full of greed. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the vermin, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would stuff all their faces, like a gluttonous beast
Which was something Rorschach couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN

They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every human cockroach in New York, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas lights beaming.
Like an abattoir of retarded children, they would all start their screaming!

They'd scream! And they'd scream!
AND they'd SCREAM! SCREAM! SCREAM! SCREAM!

And the more Rorschach thought about this whole place
He knew that it feared him, he'd seen it's true face.
'Why for fourty-five years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?'

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
RORSCHACH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

I know just what to do! Rorschach hurmed in his throat.
And he made a quick Ozzymandias headband and coat.
And he SHORPed, and he LEPed, now this would be sweet!
'With this band and this cape, I'll look just like Adrian Veidt!'

'All I need is Bubastis...'
Rorschach looked around.
But since giant mutant cats are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop old Rorschach...?
No! Rorschach simply said,
'If I can't find Bubastis, I'll use Daniel instead!'
So he called his friend Dan. Then he took some red thread
And he tied some big ears on top of his head.

THEN
He loaded some bags
His face in dead-pan.
On the deck of the Owl Ship
He prodded poor Dan.

Then Rorschach said, 'floor it!'
And the ship started down
Toward the homes where the scum
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. The stench of fornication filled the air.
New Yorkers were all committing their sins without care
When he came to the first complex in the square.
This is stop number one, Rorschach hissed
And he climbed the fire escape, grappling gun in his fist.

Then he kicked in the door. but the lock never fought.
'Enk. Should know better than trust Gordian Knot.'
He hurmed only once, a hand placed to his face.
Then he stuck his head out to survey the place.
Where the excessively filled stockings all hung in a row.
'These stockings', he spat, 'are the first things to go!'

Then he slithered and slunk, with mumbling most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, he curb-stomped every present!
Action figures! Skin mags! Liquor of all types!
Cologne! After shave! And ball tipped glass pipes!
And he stuffed them in trash bags. Then Rorschach, very discreet,
Stuffed them out the window to fall to the street!

Then he slunk to the fridge, where he decided to hide.
Where he ate their canned beans while waiting inside.
He cleaned out that appliance, right down to the tubes.
Why, Rorschach even took their last sugar cubes!

Then he stuffed all the food out the window with glee.
'And NOW!' said Rorschach, 'I will burn down the tree!'

And Rorschach approached the tree, and he grabbed some cologne,
When he heard a small sound and saw he wasn't alone.
He turned around fast, and he saw a costumed whore.
Little Laurie-Lou Who, who was not more than thirty-four!

Rorschach had been caught by this little silk specter
Who staying at her mom's house, rushed out to protect her.
She stared at Rorschach and said, 'Ozzymanias, why,
Why are you burning our Christmas tree? WHY?'


But, you know, that old Rorschach was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
'Why, my red-headed friend', the fake Adrian stood,
'Stopping me now will do you no good.
So complaining and fighting is useless, you know.
I'd already burned it down thirty-five minutes ago.'

And his fib puzzled the woman. Then he gave her a shove.
Back towards her room, with American love.
And then Laurie left with her gift from old Ror,
Coke in a green glass bottle, the kind they don't make anymore.

Then the last thing he took
Was the gun that they had.
'No license for this. I checked. Very bad.'

Then
He did the same thing
To the other people's flats

Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other people's rats!

It was quarter past dawn...
When he gave them the slip
All the citizens, still a-snooze
When he packed up the ship.
Packed it up with their rabies! Their pipes with circular tips!
Was all he could do fleck foam from their lips?

Fifty feet up! On top Gunga Diner,
To burn all their filth, there could be nothing finer!
'Liberals and prostitutes!' he was Rorschach-ish-ly humming.
They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
'They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!'
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then all the evil of New York will all cry BOO-HOO!

'That's a noise', ronched Rorschach,
'That I'd like spread 'cross the nation.'
So he put a hand to his ear for further investigation.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded happy!
It couldn't be so!
The story got sappy!

He stared down at the city!
Rorschach widened his brown eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every politician in New York, every hooker on call,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Despite all the pinkies he'd fractured, it came just the same!

And Rorschach, with his booted-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood hurming and enking: How could it be so?
It came without debauchery, sex and bad tastes!
It came without murder foaming up about their waists!
And he hurmed for three hours, `till his hurmer was sore.
Then Rorschach thought of something he hadn't before!
Maybe Christmas, he thought, isn't something to deplore.
Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!

And what happened then...?
Well...in Manhattan they say
That Rorschach's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't beat quite so fast,
He brought back the junk he'd stolen from the rest of the cast.
And he brought back the food! The meat and the greens!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
Rorschach brought the baked beans.

Fin.

 

My Dream in which I Fail in Electrical Chemistry, but End Up Moving Back to my Old House

I suppose I blame myself for the way I have influenced my dreams last night. Maybe it was the fact that I should have studied more of Organic Chemistry for the test today, maybe it was because Jordan called me last night and left me all hot and bothered and disoriented.  Either way, it lead up to a pretty messed up dream of mine, that ultimately left me dissatisfied.

For some reason, I found myself back in High School.  I'm not entirely sure on the reason, but I can tell you that I was still the 21 year old man I am right now.  I was back in Chemistry, and the mom from "Malcom in the Middle" was my teacher, and also my mom.  If you can stay with me here, I think I can explain it.  I walked into the classroom and moved to the back of the room, where a single open chair was next to a pretty cute girl.  I couldn't tell you much about her, she was white, she had dark hair, her breasts probably a B-C cup.  Thats all that really mattered to me, and she was shorter than me, probably between 5'4"-5'8".

Mom/teacher began talking about how batteries worked, and she asked if anyone knew.  I said I did and followed to give the correct answer, but for some reason mom/teacher told me I was wrong.  I said I was sure I didn't mamke any mistakes, but some of the dumber residents of the classroom started laughing.  Maybe mom/teacher felt like she was intimidated by my knowledge on the subject, but I let it go.  Cute brunette girl inched closer to me and started whispering to me.  I would love to have remembered what our discourse was, it eventually ended up with her suggesting going back to my place that afternoon.  I had placed my arm around her side while we were sitting together.

"You know, you can move your hand a little higher," through her cool seductive lips leaked into my ear and I moved my hands upward to her soft round breasts.  iFANTASTICO! Mom/teacher quickly turned her head and just as quickly I moved my hand to my new friend's shoulder. I let her know that I was 21 and she said she was alright and she was 16.

We ended up walking into my home together, my dad just acknowledging us as we crept up the stairs.  As the staircase wound, we turned around and made out on the steps.  It was about time that we made the eventual transfer to the master bedroom, and by master bedroom, I mean my old HUGE bedroom.

It was a pretty sizable, no lie.  I loved my old room, seeing as how my new room is dinky and limits the number of stuff I can keep in it, and in addition, the number of people.  We got right down to business, and by business, of course I mean clearing all the crap off of my bed.  For some reason there was a Reservoir Dogs DVD on my bed and my Dad popped in later telling me about how he was going to watch it later on my PS3.  It was obviously the worst timing during the whole situation, as I was one in the pink, one in the stink for about 10 or 15 minutes before that.  Seriously, buttsex has never been THAT appealing to me before, maybe I'm just watching too much porn.  After my dad leaves, I get wind that this girl not only is ready to show me her war face, but that she has an 'agenda' of things that she wants to accomplish

-POOF-

Wake up, completely unsatisfied AND pissed that I was told I was wrong about chemistry.  I wasn't expecting this dream to take a sexy turn of events, and so I wasn't really dissatisfied that we never got around to ME, but the dream characters telling me I was wrong was pretty annoying.  Time to study for the real test!

Naughtyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Hello, dear friend. My name is Spy!
These words you read, you read with your eye.
Yes, I said, my name is Spy,
And I've been... Very naaaaaaaughty...

Not long ago, I chose to join BLU.
The RED team were crooks, yes, this was true.
And I'm on my merry way to the ol' 2Fort,
The anticipation made me feel... Naaaaaaaaughty.

As I crossed the bridge, I noticed a big guy.
A Heavy, spitting lead at my team! Oh my!
As I cloaked and snuck past, with knife at the ready,
I ran to his back, and I got... Naaaaaaaaaaughty.

As I infiltrated their base, I saw an Engineer.
Wrenching a sentry up the stairs, I hear.
He ran for more metal, and my sapper I pulled.
Spy's sappin' mah sentry, he yelped! How... Naaaaaaaaaughty.

Engineer... Your baaaack.

*STAB*

As his corpse lurched forward, I slipped into disguise.
A Medic I chose, to blend in with these guys.
In ran a Soldier, bleeding halfway to death,
Blasting himself too much, he said out of breath:

 

"HEAL ME, YOU MAGET!" As he proceeded back out.
Not bothering to look closely, he continued about.
But I followed none-the-less, with knife brandished,
And that's when I became... in a certain mood.

LA, LA LA, LA LA, LA LA,
LA, LA LA, LA LA, LA LA,
LAAAAA, LA LA, LA LA, LA LA,
LAAAAA, LA LA, LA LA, LA LA...

He swings it and swings it, and I creepily jump
I fire my revolver, his corpse makes a thump.
The stickies all vanish in one little flash,
What relief, it made me... You knooooow.

Shooting never made me more naughty. Well... Maybe not never.

*An enemy Scout runs at him*

Now now... *Facestabs Scout*

You shouldn't play in your own base.

I snatched their intel, and took off in a flash,
Down came a Pyro, in a fiery clash!
This might be my toughest encounter yet,
But I still felt... Naaaaaaaaughty!

I quickly backpedal, fire at my toes,
Revolver to flamethrower it was anything goes!
My shots rang out, and the sixth was a crit!
The Pyro dropped dead. I felt so... Naaaaaaughty.

On my way out their base, I was in the clear.
I spot RED's Sniper, back turned to the rear.
He's unaware of what's happened, and didn't much care...
I intently approached anyway. It felt... Naaaaaaaaughty.

Goodbye, dear RED team, with your Intel I hold.
And even you, RED Medic, the last one so bold.
Your Ubersaw won't save you from doom now,
So what's the harm? I'm still... Naaaaaaughty.

Dearest GameStop Girl

When I walked into your store that fateful Tuesday, I expected only to find a smattering of half-decent titles tucked back there amongst the used 360 games. Instead I found you, surrounded by a beam of light, halfway between Assassin's Creed and Call of Duty 3. Your gorgeous dark hair was radiant in contrast with the rainbow of colors on the deluxe Bioshock behind you. The Game of the Year held no interest for me when I saw you look up and smile, even though both could hold me in Rapture.

You commanded the register when it was my turn to check out with the Orange Box. Yes, I was finally getting to play Portal. Lucky me, you said with the cutest smile. Lucky me, I thought, and then knew you had the Portal to my heart. I could care less if the cake is a lie, I'd still want to share it with you.

Oh GameStop Girl, how you make my heart meter skip a beat. If you were being held captive in a mountain fortress by a ruthless mutant mafia gangboss and I had to fight my way through 16 levels of fire-breathing undead ninjas with swords the size of small ponies, I would find a way, even if, after every level, a small man continued to taunt me by saying that you were in another castle. EVEN IF.

So, yes, GameStop Girl, I want to kill robotic zombie terrorists with you. You can even have the deluxe shotgun with explosive scattershot. I'll just use this knife over here. I'll do anything for you, just for the small, slightest chance that someday - someday - you and me could be a Wii.

When making love

I like to let the lady know

when I feel like wrapping it up.

I whisper in her ear

T-MINUS 10 SECONDS

9 SECONDS

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